Help, I am terrible in bed!

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I am a woman aged 20 and a year back I met a man with whom I fell deeply in love. Our relationship had been doing well until recently when I gave into his sexual demands. I had never been with another man before him. It was very uncomfortable for me and I know I was stubborn in the process. The second time, I still could not withstand the pain and when I stopped the intercourse he complained bitterly that I did not satisfy his needs and that I was terrible in bed, which led to an argument. I have not seen him for two months since then because I fear that he will still judge me that way but I love him so much. Please help me on what to do to satisfy him because I do not want to lose him but at the same time I don’t have experience.

Your take:

It is clear that he does not care about you. A man who cares about you will understand that it is your first time and be patient with you, and guide through what to do. Stop worrying about his demands, as he does not appreciate you. Take your time and wait for a man who will respect you. If you go back to this guy, he will come just for the sex, as he did before, and not because he loves you.


This is the bitter truth Cecily, that love is not complete without sex. You love the guy, so you should not deny him sex as this will only send him elsewhere. In the book of Ephesians, God talks of sexual satisfaction between a man and a woman. Try and talk to your man and let him know the pain you feel during intercourse and I think he will understand and be more gentle.


No one is born with any experience, including sexual, and if he is honest he will agree that the first time for him was also a disaster. Let him know that you are willing to learn from him to be able not only to satisfy him but also to come to a position where you also enjoy. Sex, after all, is not about him but it is for both of you, hence needs both partners to do their part.


That you do not want to lose him? Oh no! Look here Cecily, this is a guy who is interested in having sex and probably, nothing more. He has not talked to you for the past two months, meaning he opted for satisfaction elsewhere while you trustfully wait for him. You are not to blame for not having had sex before you met him. So would you move on and stop worrying about men who care about you only in bed.


Love, Cecily, is more than performance in bed. I can guess why you do not want to lose him. You think he is the one, because he ‘loved’ you even before you had sex together. You are wrong. The reason he waited for a year was because he wanted the ‘goods’ and could have waited even longer if you had insisted on not having sex. That guy is not worth your love and must, therefore, be shown the door as soon as you are through reading this. Trust me, there are still good men for good women out there.


My take:

Cecily, you need to be honest with yourself. Two months and he has not called or made any effort to contact you? Something just is not right and my quick thoughts are that you are a victim of a hit and run operation; and your refusal to accept that you have been dumped is leading you to boot lick him. Sometimes, men do that; they want to be the first but do not have time to teach you tricks of the trade. Many women find themselves dumped after their virginity has been broken only for the same men to re-emerge later after she has gained some experience.

Why do men do this? Taking a woman’s virginity is an ego-issue and it ends at that. Once the ego is satisfied, the sexual desires and fantasies start demanding. These may not be fulfilled by someone who is short of experience especially due to the numerous “difficulties” encountered. The difficulties include too much caution, resistance, great effort and a difference in desires. For example, an experienced woman will demand to have it deeper and deeper while a virgin will deliberately and almost forcefully restrict entry to a certain depth. Another illustration is that an experienced woman will long for more but a beginner will be longing for the time he will stop hence it becomes not-so-pleasurable. Again, an experienced Silvia will take matters into her own hands thus giving Tarzan time to relax and be laid but a new entrant will make him do all the work thereby making it monotonous and somewhat boring. Many men, therefore, find intercourse with virgins or experience-deficient women less pleasurable and prefer the highly skilled and exposed girls.

Is it entirely the woman’s fault? No; many times it is his fault. Mostly, when a woman loses her virginity it is painful, uncomfortable and can get messy. But with the right skills, patience and communication, things can get a lot better. Patience is very important and the man should understand that it is a new experience to her and it involves stretching and tearing of tissues that were previously intact. Patience and adequate foreplay greatly assist in arousing her well, thus enhancing lubrication, which in turn reduces the pain caused by friction.

Communication is also key and either party should listen and appreciate the other’s feelings and needs. Girls, when it gets too painful, please say it and suggest taking a short break. The pain ordinarily does not last long and it is perfectly normal. Guys, do not get overly moody and frustrated just because she cannot keep up with Lisa from last night — she is just learning.

What can the ladies do? First, to all virgins out there; ignorance is no defence, so get out there, talk to those who have been around longer, read and look for educational materials on sex. Drop all the conservatism on issues and open your mind to new ideas; it is this conservatism that makes intercourse with a virgin extremely boring.

How can one gain experience? One, practice; two, through research from books, Internet, movies and three, talk to your girls and hear their experiences, challenges, and how they overcame them.


On the next issue:

I am 26 years and married for six years to a man who is 25 years old. We have a five-year-old son. My in-laws have made our marriage hell because he is almost fully supported by his mother. His mother has become a husband to me; she provides everything for us and therefore makes all the decisions. My husband has failed so much in his life which has made me lose my respect for him. He loves me very much but I find it difficult to love him when I do not respect him. I have actually fallen out of love with him. Is it possible to love a man one does not respect or who does not provide for his family? Could I have lost my respect for him because he is younger than me? I am thinking about leaving and starting a life elsewhere. Please advice me?

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