Help! I can’t get over this woman

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By Nyambura Maina

I am a 22-year-old salesman by profession. Recently, I was transferred to Central Province from Coast and I happened to fall in love with a woman from a different tribe. I treated this courtship with respect and really loved her. Then she stopped taking my calls and halted her visiting. It pains me to think of how she mistreated me. She now seduces other men in front of me. How do I get the courage to let her go?

Phillip C.

In relationships, when a couple gets involved, they each carry with them their own set of expectations. These expectations of others set us up for disappointment in the long run because no one person is likely to meet those expectations perfectly.

In giving love to your girlfriend, you expected that she would reciprocate in kind and remain loving to you.

Instead she chose to cut you out of her life and choose another mate. In moving location, you also might have expected gratitude on her part, because of the commitment you showed by moving closer to her.

Instead of gratitude, she chose to respond with contempt by refusing all contact with you. It is easy to let ourselves feel hurt and justified in our anger when someone we love rejects us.

It is wise to remember that being in a relationship does NOT mean that we get to control our mate. Love is not controlling and demanding. Love does not keep a tally of another’s deeds, waiting to even the score. Love allows others the freedom to be and does not seek justice because it never keeps a record of wrongs.

It is clear that your girlfriend has moved on. It is up to you to either live with seething bitterness and anger and maintain that life is unfair, or you too can let go and accept that sometimes life just does not work out how we planned.

Common counsel

Plenty of chances

You are still very young Phillip. Your job as a salesman also keeps you on the move. There is still time to find another girlfriend and settle down if you wish. Sticking with thoughts of that one girl will make you insane. Start living again and forget her. You will get plenty of other chances to love again so don’t worry.

Jane, 36

A commendable deed

Dating someone from another tribe is a good thing. You tried your best but she did not go for it. Lessons in love are the hardest to learn, especially when we choose to hang on with everything we have got, even when the signs are clear that it is over. Look around for another girl and keep working towards making Kenya a united people, without distinction of tribe.

Bob, 51

Good riddance

Seducing other men in front of you just show that she is disrespectful to you. It is cruel of her to do that. However, seeking revenge is a waste of time. Let her continue with her bad habits, with time other men will see her true colours and will not be interested in her. Thank God that she left you, for you don’t know what other trouble a woman like that would have landed you in.

Moses, 24

Lacking in experience

Phillip, you show your lack of experience with girls by the way you have reacted. When a woman is fed up with you, there is nothing you can do to change her mind. If you are watching her with other men, it means you are still following her where she goes in the hope of a come back. That won’t work. Save yourself the agony and in future hang out in different places where she is not likely to show up.

Jess, 29

Build on a strong foundation

Philip, how you started the relationship is not the best way to begin. We don’t fall in love, but we grow in love. Falling in love means injury, hurt and pain in the end. Her not taking your phone calls could mean she is not the one for you. The best description of true love is God. Love is God and God is Love.

True love suffers long and is kind, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things and never fails. Any relationship that is built hurriedly and/or on a weak foundation will surely come down. Build everything on the solid foundation of the true love of God. The way forward is to use the power that brought you in to let you out.

Blicks Oyet, Uganda

Time will heal

I deeply sympathise with your situation. You feel that this lady, whom you have given your heart, is taking you for a ride.

I too was in a similar situation sometime back and was broken. I will tell you one thing, though — time is a master healer. With time, you will forget her and move on.

The writing is on the wall. The fact that this lady has the audacity to seduce men in your presence must drive you crazy.

In order for the healing process to start successfully, you should get rid of anything that reminds you of her such as pictures and so on and Trust in God that you will indeed get past it.

Kevin Oduor, Nairobi

Remain friends

Phillip, love is not the absence of pain, but the promise of pain and that is what you are going through. You fell in love with girl, but she did not reciprocate your love.

I know that you are hurting, appalled and distraught but I suggest you approach this issue in a positive manner.

Get rid of her because she is not worthy of your love but do so in an amiable manner.

Do not hurl insults at her but give reasons for ending the relationship.

Don’t hold grudges and remain friends even though she has hurt you.

Wycliffe, 24

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