Celebrity goof

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The saying old is gold makes me remember the good old days in high school where I became a celeb in Form One after scooping two awards in drama and music as the best narrator in the district.

But this did not last for long. In Form Two our school was to host the Music Festivals and due to my previous performances everyone was sure that was going to carry the day.

On the D-day, I dressed up decently and thank God I managed to attract the attention of almost everybody. After few presentations from other schools it was my turn.

I walked to the stage like a real warrior and immediately after the bell rang, I introduced my self and trust me only introduction was enough to fill the hall.

After deploying my tactics in the first and second stanza I could only hear clapping from my audience but unfortunately I heard a familiar voice from the audience shouting “sweetie washo venye wewe hufanya (honey show them how you do things).”

Immediately, I saw two of hot chicks from the same school sitting at the frontline now looking at each other in disbelief and to make matters worse the whole poem evaporated and the only option was to stand there like a fool. “Get off the stage if you are confused!” I heard commanding voice from adjudicator. I walked out slowly and embarrassed bearing in mind I had lost both my girlfriends and the awards. And to add insult to injury, I was given a heavy punishment.

— Amos

Plastic nails

I have always had weak nails that break all the time. In the quest to look presentable, I decide to fix on fake nails. It being my first time, I had no idea that they were flammable. So on this day I was invited for a party and a friend asked if I could assist warm some water. The kitchen was packed with dudes conversing about rugby. I was busy lighting the gas whilst contributing to the discussion I did not realise what was happening until there was plastic smell in the air. Wondering where the smell was coming from, we all checked back at the gas only to see my fake nail burning. Everyone burst into laughter when they saw what was happening. Some even went to notify the people in the other rooms. Everyone started calling me kucha juala from then on. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

— Jennifer

Extra large bikini!

We went for swimming with a couple of friends last week. I borrowed by sister’s bikini since I did not have one. Being a size bigger than me, the bikini was a bit loose but I wore it anyway, assuring myself that I would be careful when getting out of the water to avoid embarrassing myself. After hours of a good swim and being cautious, I got carried away and started competing with my friend rushing out the water to be the first to get to the diving board. I was half way when I heard someone shout my name, I did not look back until. I stopped abruptly feeling a cloth intertwining cloth at my knees, only to realise it was my bikini. Everyone was already laughing at my naked butt. As if that was not humiliating enough, one boob was out of its cup. I couldn’t bring myself to swim again. Went to the changing room and went straight home. I couldn’t stand the embarrassment.

— Anita

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Today’s magazine

    Woman’s Instinct
Tilting the status quo

Through the Kenya Women’s Shadow Parliament, Monica Amolo, Executive Director, has been building capacity for Parliament and local authorities’ leadership among rural women.