By Milly G

The dating scene is not fair. Men have the upper hand — well in things that matter most.

Women may sit pretty and wait to be chased during the dating period, but once they have tripped past the aisle, the ball game changes and it’s time for men to get their recompense.

Take for instance the politics of children. We call them bundles of joy, and for sure they are — mothers would not give up their children for anything, not even for a favourable rating in the social market.

But the truth is, children reduce the rating of women in the market.

For men, children are an accolade and they may even bring their fathers some level of respect and appeal.

First off, a single mother and a single father may be on the same starting line, but society is much more forgiving to the single father. How many single mothers are frustrated because they cannot get men to commit past the second date, simply because men don’t want to "bring up other men’s children"?

And even when they get past that hurdle, the in-laws become the next nightmare, advising their son not to settle for ‘used goods’. No wonder so many of them resort to secrecy, hiding the child until it is too late for the man to ask for his dowry back.

No matter how learned, hard working, loving, beautiful or wealthy a woman is, her child born out of wedlock or from a past relationship will always be the sore thumb that sticks out.

Not so for men. Women comfortably accept their men’s ‘other’ children, and a wife will not see it as demeaning to bring up another woman’s child with her own.

It may be because men, being the providers, see added children as more mouths to feed. Women on the other hand will not have to pay school fees and buy food for their men’s other children and so it isn’t as much of a strain.

But mostly, men wonder what people will say. They want to be the lions and don’t want to feel that they went out and picked some half eaten prey; they want to bring home the prize — that single girl that every other man wants but can’t have.

And yet when they have children with other women, men say that ‘women want tested goods’. What double standards!

The truth is, a single woman without a child is worth more in the market than a single woman with a child, never mind that the latter may be a better deal and a more fitting wife.

Let me try out a scale here. One child reduces your eligibility by about 30 per cent.

The second child takes it down to 50 per cent. And by the time you have your third child, you have so much baggage that you are better off staying single or sticking to the devil you know — your husband.

Very few men will love you unconditionally when they have to feed three other mouths. At that point your children become a liability.

Of course this is for women who may be thinking of divorce, separation and making a come back into the market to start hunting afresh.

As long as a woman is married, her value in the society’s eyes is solid — she is the epitome of the successful woman. After her comes the single childless woman (of course she must be in her 20s, or she is labelled a husband snatcher), then the divorcee (who also threatens ‘our men’) . At a distant fourth is the single mother who has never been married (this one’s a wild woman, and will take your man, consume him then spit him back to you spent as used gum).

A pal of mine who any man would be lucky to have told me the other day that because she has one child, she is looking for a man with two children, because a single guy with no children will not take her seriously.

He may use her for her intelligence( to run his business) or use her money, but from experience, she says these guys have always cheated on her in a bid to prove their virility with younger childless women.

So my advice to single mothers and divorced women is, get up and fend for yourself. Forget about having a man to support your children and realise that you are mother and father.

As for men, socialise with them at arms length and never let them take priority over your children.

In due time, God will create some different man for you — one who will value you and love your children. For now, he does not exist.