By Hirley Genga

Have you seen a grown woman dust her man’s suit and take off imaginary specks from his hair in public?

Or a man who cannot but inspect and direct his wife when she is parking, because he cannot trust her to do it right? Many young women today are dating old but financially secure men, not because they love them, but because the men offer financial security.

Are you in a relationship where you give up your plans to always run errands for your partner? Or where your opinion never counts, and your partner wins every argument?

Most of these may seem like perfectly normal expressions of love and concern, but more often than not, they are done out of a need to control the spouse or the desire to be supported.

Well, a lot of control freaks consciously bear down on their partners because they are obsessed with having the last word.

But sometimes, the parent-spouse is forced or volunteers to play the mother or father as to make up for their partner’s lack of maturity.

Eleanor Njambi, a businesswoman, says she is attracted to men who need to be nurtured.

"I love to be in control. I have gladly taken the lead in all my relationships, paying the bills and making all the major decisions. Every time I encountered a man who did not let me have my way, I swiftly ended the relationship," says the financially stable woman who considers herself an ‘independent woman’.

Thomas Koech, an IT manager, believes that men should naturally be the leaders in relationships, and that means making decisions and issuing instructions.

"Yes, I am like a parent to my wife," says the husband of two years, adding: "There is nothing wrong with a man taking on the parental role — it’s just how things work. My wife submits to me and I do not think that she is needy or an emotional burden. She simply understands how the relationship between a man and his woman works."

Naomi James, a counselling psychologist with Oasis Africa says there are many factors that determine the roles each spouse plays.

Personality is one of them, as there are people who are naturally impatient perfectionists eager to take control of any situation. They are born leaders, but in relationships, leadership has to be more through inspiration than intimidation.

Says she: "An outgoing, aggressive woman easily gets tired of a passive and soft-spoken man. Other than walk out of such a relationship, she will ‘sit on him’, or henpeck him, which basically means that in everything, her word is final."

Naomi also points out the effect of socialisation and upbringing on our attitude towards our spouses.

Take the case of Njambi, for example. She may have picked the trait from her ‘harsh’ mother, whom she says "…made my father marry a second wife".

She says that her mother taught her that though a man may be a leader out there, the woman is in charge in her home, because men often abdicate their responsibilities.

influence of parents

She says: "‘Men are like babies, and your husband is your first born’, my mother would always tell us".

Njambi is now married and she and her husband split financial responsibilities down the middle.

She says: "I can’t stand him being late in settling his part of the bills, so, I sometimes do it for him. Fine, he is the man and should provide, but I won’t sit around wringing my hands and feeling helpless."

Naomi quotes the social learning theory, saying that people learn through observation, imitation and modelling.

"Watch little children playing and you will realise that right from an early age, they can imitate the exact behaviour of their parents. A girl who sees the father play his role as the head of the family will expect her spouse to do the same," she notes.

Naomi believes that when a partner willingly plays the child, abdicating the right to make decisions, be free and hold opinions, the problem likely stems from his or her past. Women, for example, can emasculate their sons.

"A domineering mother will not allow his son to develop self-identity. She unconsciously creates excess dependency. If her marriage is troubled, as it will often be, she is likely to substitute the love for her spouse with that for her son. The son ends up living in the shadow of his mother until adulthood. As an adult, it becomes especially difficult to maintain a relationship since he is constantly searching for that wife who will mother him," says Jane.

Paul, a doctor who, early this year walked out of a two year relationship he describes as draining, learnt the hard way that the family background of the woman you date matters a lot.

"She expected me to provide for her like she wasn’t working and always be the one to say sorry when we had an argument," he says.

It incensed him that she’d throw tantrums when he refused to take her dancing or out to parties, even though she knew that he had no money.

Remembers Paul: "It was my job to make her happy and listen to all her problems, yet she never once reciprocated. Initially, it felt nice to be the man she always needed, fixing her life, but I later learnt that she took me as a crutch. Her helplessness was no longer attractive."

For a while, Paul took on the role of father and spouse but he soon asked her to ‘grow up’. -

"Ours was a long distance relationship — I worked in Mombasa and she in Nairobi. When she visited me, she’d litter the house with dirty dishes and not even offer to cook. She preferred to sleep, watch television and just laze around," laments a disappointed Paul.

Paul always knew that his girlfriends mother was 20 years younger than the father and was the drunken, irresponsible type. He thought that would not affect them because "She always joked that her mother used to wake up at noon and was always down with some aches. But she despised her mother. Though my ex-girlfriend does not drink, she is equally irresponsible," he says.

Naomi warns that people who are eager to play the parent or child in the relationship should know that it is emotionally draining on their partners.

She says: "When you act the parent, you take away your partner’s freedom of choice and expression; and when you act the child, you are burdening your spouse with responsibility."

So, what happens when, at some point, the child grows up? Or when the parent gets tired of brooding over his or her child? A conflict ensues that threatens the stability of the relationship. Very few of these relationships thrive and survive.

Says Naomi: "For example, when a man marries a ‘mother-wife’, in the initial stages, the woman is excited to perform the role. But once the couple settles down as a family, challenges emerge. The man will expect her to serve him, meet his demands and give him all the attention his mother gave him. He is likely to neglect his responsibilities since his mother treated him like a prince. His children will also be a threat to him because they take away a chunk of the love and attention. He suffers insecurity and rejection. The same applies for a girl who is hang up on her father and expects the husband to take up that role."

Jane adds that because love and security are human needs, every stage of human development is vital.

"If a child lacks parental love and security, he grows up with an emotional void that is constantly filled through unhealthy relationships. She will depend so much on the husband and demand to be treated like a child spouse.

"Dependency is very hard to get over. So make sure that your better half takes responsibility for his or her life and only a healthy portion of responsibility for the lives of others," she advises.

Her parting shots: "A functional marriage is between two emotionally independent adults. Of course exceptions are made for people with medical conditions that do not allow them to independently move about or take up some tasks".